The Painful Part of the Journey

Man, it's been a while since I've blogged. There's been a lot that I wish I could say but that I won't bring myself to write on my blog. The result has been no blogs. I've really been going through a lot of stuff. God's been bringing up so much that I didn't know was there. Heavy bags filled with this and that and lots of deadly things that I didn't know I was carrying around. I'm tired now. But I don't think He's done with me yet. I've heard it described like this: God has to take the bandage off in order to heal the wound, even though it hurts to take the bandage off. We're so used to just sticking a covering over it that we almost forget the cut is there and then one day you realize that the cut was really way bigger than you ever thought and you're debilitated. That is, until the Healer comes. I can feel freedom coming but it's taking a long time. For now, the battle rages on. The longer I fight the more alive I feel and I know that He is my deliverer. There are days when hope is lacking and morale is low, but then there are days when Jesus is so present that I can't remember that I ever was hurt at all. There is always hope, contrary to what we might feel. There are two things that have helped me during this painful time: God is always after your heart and your transformation, and you are not the only one that feels, or has felt, this way. Even Jesus endured suffering, loneliness, shame, and immense sadness. Hebrews 12:2 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Sometimes I don't feel like my faith is being perfected in this pain, but I cannot believe the lie of the enemy that I have taken steps back. Jesus is always propelling me forward, closer to who I was made to be. So, "consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:3

Procrastination

It'll getcha. I'm at Main & Maple with Kate right now NOT writing my Spanish paper. I mean I would, but I have no idea what it's supposed to be about. When a teacher says, "write me a paper on La vida es sueño. It can be about anything" I find myself at a loss. Too much independence. Too much choice. Which leads me to a perfect blog topic. How dandy!

Making choices. I think that if we were all honest we'd rather have God just spell everything out for us (as far as what to do next in decision making) than we would want to wait, not knowing what to do. Human beings like being in control. It's funny how oppositely God works. He's like, nope, let me be in control. And we're like, but holy cow you're an invisible being that is unpredictable and hard to understand. It's easier to say, "it's in God's hands." Than it is to say, "God is changing me and giving me wisdom about what to do." Now I'm not saying that it isn't in God's hands, because it is, but I am saying that sometimes it just seems hard to hear from God about decision-making.

In all my recent decisions I haven't really heard one way or another about what I'm supposed to do. I have basically decided not to come back to Asbury in the spring and to go to Spain in the summer to finish up. I think it's the right thing. I'm still planning on going to seminary in the fall and hopefully get a job with benefits. I have plans. But I really haven't heard exactly one way or another on them from Jesus. I know Jesus wants me to be a counselor, but as far as when to go to school, or where, I'm not certain.

So I'm left to think that He's teaching me to listen more closely to Him, to be more flexible, and/or to learn to make my own decisions wisely. I think He wants His children to be independent in the sense that we gain wisdom and insight into how to live life. Maybe sometimes there is just more than one right option.

I guess what it comes down to is that I am a good person with a good heart (yes, this is a theological discussion about whether or not people are good, but Jesus lives in me so I'ma say I'm good. Sue me.) and I don't want to mess up. I especially don't want to have to deal with the consequences of doing my own thing and not God's. But at the end of the day it's wonderful because I can rest knowing that God's grace is covering me and that "He works all things together for the good of those who love him."

*Disclaimer* I apologize for all the "decision" blogs. It's where my thoughts have been drifting. If you want to hear about something better ask me about my fall break.

Decisions decisions...

Hey guys, I'm back. It'd be cool if I had the excuse that I've just been soooo busy and my life is so exciting that I haven't had time to blog but that is not the case. I just haven't felt like it. So here I am again, ready to share some thoughts. Blogging just cannot be forced.

Lately I've been having an internal [I don't want to say struggle but...] struggle. Not really a struggle, but kind of. Up until this point in my life the decisions I've had to make have been, in hindsight, quite trivial. In high school it seemed like a really big deal deciding who to go to prom with, what electives to take, who to hang out with on my Friday nights, and what earrings to wear on any given day. But now.... NOW.... I'm a grown up. All of a sudden I'm realizing how important my decisions are.

Am I coming back to Asbury next semester? [For those of you who are uninformed, I'm thinking about studying in Spain in the summer to meet my graduation requirements, not dropping out ;)]
Should I go to seminary next fall?
Should I start looking for a full-time job?
Should I open my own separate bank account? [Yes. The answer to this one is yes.]
Should I think about moving somewhere far away?
What does God want me to do?

I'm not saying that these decisions are somehow stressing me out because I'm afraid that I'm not gonna make it, but as I get older I realize that God is giving me more responsibility. And in all these decisions, how is it actually that God would have me live and bring his kingdom on earth. I've always said that I don't want to do missions, but would I if I were totally free? Perhaps, perhaps not.

I don't know if I'm making sense. All these thoughts have been so abstract for weeks so I don't know if any of this is coherent.

Anyhow, back to my point. Lately I've been given a very acute sense of how important my role here on earth is. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound too self-important, but I know that God made me, me for a reason and I can either grow in to a more full, whole version of myself, or I can become a terrible, miserable wretch. I chose option A.

Sometimes I just look around at all the Saints that are running off to China to help the Persecuted Church and I think, "is my calling even legitimate?" I want very much to be a counselor. I love seeing people become free in Christ, but so far it's required very little risk [with the exception of money]. I think to myself, "did I just get fortunate enough to be called to that and not to risking my life?" I so much cannot resonate with ever wanting to move to China or Africa or even a Latin American country that I'm afraid my calling is almost "too good to be true." Could it be that God really wants to satisfy my desires?

"who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. "

Yes Lauren, the answer to that question is yes. GET IT IN YOUR BRAIN.

Lately I've been feeling a little guilty for my life and I wonder if God isn't asking me to do more. "Feed my sheep." But then I tell myself, in the words of Kate Brannen, "God doesn't motivate with guilt. He motivates with love." And I am comforted... for a moment. I suppose it's false guilt for living the awesome life that I have. In writing this blog I'm beginning to realize that It's probably just the enemy trying to distract me from my calling. He loves to do that bull-honkey. If writing this blog is what it took to make me realize that, then great. The truth is, I just don't want to be a couch potato in the middle of a fierce battle of life and death. Holy cow, the universe is nuts.

Procrastination

Right now I am sitting outside of Starbucks by a lovely fountain drinking a really delicious beverage.



I'm trying to psych myself up enough to finish that darn seminary application. Lately I've not been feeling too motivated to be productive. I think it's because I have other, more exciting things on my mind. Not that going to seminary isn't exciting or anything, I just hate writing up applications. Applications for jobs, for college, for camp, for anything. Me no like. Anyway, I didn't want that little rant to be the focus of this blog.

Several days ago, when I was still at camp, I woke up abruptly at 6am. I was completely exhausted but I couldn't for the life of me fall back asleep. I realized after a few minutes that I was thinking really intensely about the next year of my life. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm a little freaked. Part of me knows that God's totally got this one and that I'll be fine, but it's scary going out into the real world. Right now my parents still pretty much pay for everything and I am a bit less than self-reliant. And it's like, in a few months I'll be out in the world to fend for myself. Can I really do it? Am I really responsible enough? Smart enough? Capable enough? I know that I will be fine and probably successful, but it's still nerve-wracking.

So as I lay in bed I found myself trying to work out how I'm going to pay for everything, how I'm going to spend enough time with people, how I'm going to look for a job and I realized that I should just stop. Worrying is just so silly. And so I came to this resolution: to enjoy the adventure before me and live happily and bravely in the midst of uncertainties. If we could plan everything out perfectly where would God fit in? He wants me to need him. How beautiful it is to know that He wants, actually wants, to take care of me. That is good news.



All gone.

Blind Date

Well, it was just OK. He was a decent conversationalist but he didn't really ask me any questions. I had to pretty much carry on the convo. And I wasn't attracted to him. That's the problem with other people trying to set you up... they just don't know what your type is. But that's OK. I didn't expect anything to happen. Frankly, I'm glad it's over because blind dates are really stressful. So much could go wrong. But, I was actually kind of surprised that a half-German, half-French kid was so normal to me.

Anywhoooo, that's that. So since I've been home and jobless I've had a lot of time to think and I don't think I'm going to come back to Asbury next semester. Just kidding! What I've really been thinking about is everything I want. Gosh, I want so much. Not stuff, just things. Human beings have such ravenous desires that it's incredibly hard to contain them. And it's not really a good thing if we do contain them. Desires are in us because they are meant to be realized. But why is life so silly. It seems like everything that strikes at our deepest core is either unattainable or thwarted in some way. We just want to be loved, to have a grand time, to not be bored, to have meaningful friendships, to have a good job that we enjoy, to have kids, good kids, to be the apple of somebody's eye, to go on an exciting excursion in some far-away place... I could go on. While I would say that I am blessed enough to have many of these things there is always a deeper something that wants more. Right now I feel like I'm just waiting for the next stage of my life, but aren't we supposed to be present to the moment we are in right now? I think so. So what is my purpose? How am I going to be used this summer by God? I don't know because right now I'm sitting on my butt writing this blog; aka doing nothing. But maybe that's what God's after... a good thought process that will lead to another thought process that will lead to life and freedom... those wonderful gifts that He lets loose on us when we trust Him.

I guess that's all I have for now. Keep it real kiddos.