Decisions decisions...

Hey guys, I'm back. It'd be cool if I had the excuse that I've just been soooo busy and my life is so exciting that I haven't had time to blog but that is not the case. I just haven't felt like it. So here I am again, ready to share some thoughts. Blogging just cannot be forced.

Lately I've been having an internal [I don't want to say struggle but...] struggle. Not really a struggle, but kind of. Up until this point in my life the decisions I've had to make have been, in hindsight, quite trivial. In high school it seemed like a really big deal deciding who to go to prom with, what electives to take, who to hang out with on my Friday nights, and what earrings to wear on any given day. But now.... NOW.... I'm a grown up. All of a sudden I'm realizing how important my decisions are.

Am I coming back to Asbury next semester? [For those of you who are uninformed, I'm thinking about studying in Spain in the summer to meet my graduation requirements, not dropping out ;)]
Should I go to seminary next fall?
Should I start looking for a full-time job?
Should I open my own separate bank account? [Yes. The answer to this one is yes.]
Should I think about moving somewhere far away?
What does God want me to do?

I'm not saying that these decisions are somehow stressing me out because I'm afraid that I'm not gonna make it, but as I get older I realize that God is giving me more responsibility. And in all these decisions, how is it actually that God would have me live and bring his kingdom on earth. I've always said that I don't want to do missions, but would I if I were totally free? Perhaps, perhaps not.

I don't know if I'm making sense. All these thoughts have been so abstract for weeks so I don't know if any of this is coherent.

Anyhow, back to my point. Lately I've been given a very acute sense of how important my role here on earth is. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound too self-important, but I know that God made me, me for a reason and I can either grow in to a more full, whole version of myself, or I can become a terrible, miserable wretch. I chose option A.

Sometimes I just look around at all the Saints that are running off to China to help the Persecuted Church and I think, "is my calling even legitimate?" I want very much to be a counselor. I love seeing people become free in Christ, but so far it's required very little risk [with the exception of money]. I think to myself, "did I just get fortunate enough to be called to that and not to risking my life?" I so much cannot resonate with ever wanting to move to China or Africa or even a Latin American country that I'm afraid my calling is almost "too good to be true." Could it be that God really wants to satisfy my desires?

"who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. "

Yes Lauren, the answer to that question is yes. GET IT IN YOUR BRAIN.

Lately I've been feeling a little guilty for my life and I wonder if God isn't asking me to do more. "Feed my sheep." But then I tell myself, in the words of Kate Brannen, "God doesn't motivate with guilt. He motivates with love." And I am comforted... for a moment. I suppose it's false guilt for living the awesome life that I have. In writing this blog I'm beginning to realize that It's probably just the enemy trying to distract me from my calling. He loves to do that bull-honkey. If writing this blog is what it took to make me realize that, then great. The truth is, I just don't want to be a couch potato in the middle of a fierce battle of life and death. Holy cow, the universe is nuts.

Procrastination

Right now I am sitting outside of Starbucks by a lovely fountain drinking a really delicious beverage.



I'm trying to psych myself up enough to finish that darn seminary application. Lately I've not been feeling too motivated to be productive. I think it's because I have other, more exciting things on my mind. Not that going to seminary isn't exciting or anything, I just hate writing up applications. Applications for jobs, for college, for camp, for anything. Me no like. Anyway, I didn't want that little rant to be the focus of this blog.

Several days ago, when I was still at camp, I woke up abruptly at 6am. I was completely exhausted but I couldn't for the life of me fall back asleep. I realized after a few minutes that I was thinking really intensely about the next year of my life. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm a little freaked. Part of me knows that God's totally got this one and that I'll be fine, but it's scary going out into the real world. Right now my parents still pretty much pay for everything and I am a bit less than self-reliant. And it's like, in a few months I'll be out in the world to fend for myself. Can I really do it? Am I really responsible enough? Smart enough? Capable enough? I know that I will be fine and probably successful, but it's still nerve-wracking.

So as I lay in bed I found myself trying to work out how I'm going to pay for everything, how I'm going to spend enough time with people, how I'm going to look for a job and I realized that I should just stop. Worrying is just so silly. And so I came to this resolution: to enjoy the adventure before me and live happily and bravely in the midst of uncertainties. If we could plan everything out perfectly where would God fit in? He wants me to need him. How beautiful it is to know that He wants, actually wants, to take care of me. That is good news.



All gone.