The Painful Part of the Journey

Man, it's been a while since I've blogged. There's been a lot that I wish I could say but that I won't bring myself to write on my blog. The result has been no blogs. I've really been going through a lot of stuff. God's been bringing up so much that I didn't know was there. Heavy bags filled with this and that and lots of deadly things that I didn't know I was carrying around. I'm tired now. But I don't think He's done with me yet. I've heard it described like this: God has to take the bandage off in order to heal the wound, even though it hurts to take the bandage off. We're so used to just sticking a covering over it that we almost forget the cut is there and then one day you realize that the cut was really way bigger than you ever thought and you're debilitated. That is, until the Healer comes. I can feel freedom coming but it's taking a long time. For now, the battle rages on. The longer I fight the more alive I feel and I know that He is my deliverer. There are days when hope is lacking and morale is low, but then there are days when Jesus is so present that I can't remember that I ever was hurt at all. There is always hope, contrary to what we might feel. There are two things that have helped me during this painful time: God is always after your heart and your transformation, and you are not the only one that feels, or has felt, this way. Even Jesus endured suffering, loneliness, shame, and immense sadness. Hebrews 12:2 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Sometimes I don't feel like my faith is being perfected in this pain, but I cannot believe the lie of the enemy that I have taken steps back. Jesus is always propelling me forward, closer to who I was made to be. So, "consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:3

Procrastination

It'll getcha. I'm at Main & Maple with Kate right now NOT writing my Spanish paper. I mean I would, but I have no idea what it's supposed to be about. When a teacher says, "write me a paper on La vida es sueño. It can be about anything" I find myself at a loss. Too much independence. Too much choice. Which leads me to a perfect blog topic. How dandy!

Making choices. I think that if we were all honest we'd rather have God just spell everything out for us (as far as what to do next in decision making) than we would want to wait, not knowing what to do. Human beings like being in control. It's funny how oppositely God works. He's like, nope, let me be in control. And we're like, but holy cow you're an invisible being that is unpredictable and hard to understand. It's easier to say, "it's in God's hands." Than it is to say, "God is changing me and giving me wisdom about what to do." Now I'm not saying that it isn't in God's hands, because it is, but I am saying that sometimes it just seems hard to hear from God about decision-making.

In all my recent decisions I haven't really heard one way or another about what I'm supposed to do. I have basically decided not to come back to Asbury in the spring and to go to Spain in the summer to finish up. I think it's the right thing. I'm still planning on going to seminary in the fall and hopefully get a job with benefits. I have plans. But I really haven't heard exactly one way or another on them from Jesus. I know Jesus wants me to be a counselor, but as far as when to go to school, or where, I'm not certain.

So I'm left to think that He's teaching me to listen more closely to Him, to be more flexible, and/or to learn to make my own decisions wisely. I think He wants His children to be independent in the sense that we gain wisdom and insight into how to live life. Maybe sometimes there is just more than one right option.

I guess what it comes down to is that I am a good person with a good heart (yes, this is a theological discussion about whether or not people are good, but Jesus lives in me so I'ma say I'm good. Sue me.) and I don't want to mess up. I especially don't want to have to deal with the consequences of doing my own thing and not God's. But at the end of the day it's wonderful because I can rest knowing that God's grace is covering me and that "He works all things together for the good of those who love him."

*Disclaimer* I apologize for all the "decision" blogs. It's where my thoughts have been drifting. If you want to hear about something better ask me about my fall break.

New Beginnings

Dr. Charlambakis has said on numerous occasions that if you are a Christian there are, for you, no endings, only new beginnings. As I begin my senior year I can only describe the present season of my life as characterized by new beginnings. A few weeks ago I wrote down in my journal all of my new beginnings.

"It is august and as I look into the next months of my life I see a new school year, new boyfriend, new apartment, new living companions, new classes, new jobs, and new hopes for the future."

New hopes. That's it, new beginnings means new hopes. It's similar to viewing the glass as half empty or half full. Do I see my life as a bunch of endings; ongoing movements away from people I love or have loved? Or do I see it as a constant strain of new beginnings? I do want to have hope, so I am choosing the latter option.

Just a little epiphany but there's your food for thought.