So here it goes. I haven't written on my blog in months. It feels kind of weird. I have no real agenda today in writing this blog. I'm just doing it in hopes that the unknown mass pressing on my chest will somehow be released. I don't write much but when I do it's usually to figure something out that remains hidden in my mind unless properly channeled.
Post-college life has been really cool. Sometimes I ache for those fun times at asbury, but all-in-all I am very satisfied in paying my own way, working with my hands, and moving along. All that studying started to overwhelm me and bog me down towards the end of last year. Now I feel free and happy and light. It's strange though because I'm not vocationally where I want to be and I'm not making as much money as I'd hoped to, but I have a sense and a peace that I am paving my own way and it's a good feeling. It's the feeling that "I can do it."
And not only that but that God can do it too. Jesus is like woah so awesome. He's like, Lauren trust me because really when have you ever not eaten or slept in a bed or had a roof? In fact, I've always been blessed with way more than that. So anyway, I guess the point is that I'm finally experiencing peace and of you knew any personal details about my life from last year you'd know that's a big deal.
Well, I guess this means I need to start keeping up with this thing again. Maybe I will maybe I won't :)

Everything's changing

So this morning I planned on going to church but of course I was a sleepy little and just snoozed it and went back to sleep. It was good though because I finally feel caught up on my sleep. Today is the first day here that I've been able to sleep in. There's always been something going on.
Anyway, when I woke up no one was in the house so I had a lot of quiet and was finally able to process the last two weeks. But I really ended up processing the last two months. Lately, especially being here in Spain, it seems like everything in my life is changing or has changed. I'm realizing how comfortable I was in my life. But now my parents are selling the house I grew up in, I'm starting a new job after this, I'm buying a new car, I'm moving into a new apartment in the next few months, I'm separated from my awesome college friends, and I'm starting a whole new chapter. My friends are getting engaged and married. It's so weird. I knew this was coming and I've been really excited for it but now I'm lamenting the comfortable place I've been in since I emerged from the womb. Lol yes emerged from the womb. I guess I could have just said born. Accepting change is rely hard. But I've definitely learned that God is the only constant in your life and that's where I'm putting my faith. Otherwise I'll be a hot mess.
Only ten more days in Spain! Time to capitalize on my time here and look forward to moving on when it's over.

Spain

Hi friends! If you've been checking my blog I apologize that I haven't been writing. It's sometimes a challenge to have time to write and have access to wifi (pronounced weefee here). But that is all in the past because I'm writing now! First things first, if you're in my family I miss you, if we went to college together I miss you, if you're my boyfriend or my best friend I miss you.
Being in a foreign country is definitely cool. There's so many new and exciting things to see. It's like being reborn. And honestly, I love Spain. The people here are lovely and smart and they dress really well (well a good majority of them anyway). They have beautiful accents and they value family above almost everything else. For being such a big city Sevilla is definitely a community all it's own.
I have to add though that I have never been so out of my element. There literally hasn't been one familiar thing since I walked onto the first plane in Charlotte. So yeah it's been a little uncomfortable, painful even, but really good. I haven't had anyone to rely on but Jesus this whole time and my how he's taught me to trust and receive. And I've learned a lot about myself too. I really am a big girl. I can find my way around a foreign city all by myself. I can speak broken Spanish and achieve exactly what I wanted to. I can make new friends and study hard and pay for stuff and budget my money and be ok. I can reach out to my host family and besides breaking a piece of their dishwasher off, have a fairly good impact on them. I can find my way around airports and train stations and bus stops. Maybe I didn't have enough faith in myself. And maybe to some of you more independent people this all seems really simple but it's things I've never done before. So, all that to say, the loneliness and the challenge have been really good.
Finally, I haven't really had time to post pictures but there's some on Facebook if you're really curious. The problem is that I can't put them on via my iPad and I don't want to drag my computer places. We don't have weefee at my house. But anyway I hope all you lovely people are swell. I'll try to write again soon. Love you all!

The Painful Part of the Journey

Man, it's been a while since I've blogged. There's been a lot that I wish I could say but that I won't bring myself to write on my blog. The result has been no blogs. I've really been going through a lot of stuff. God's been bringing up so much that I didn't know was there. Heavy bags filled with this and that and lots of deadly things that I didn't know I was carrying around. I'm tired now. But I don't think He's done with me yet. I've heard it described like this: God has to take the bandage off in order to heal the wound, even though it hurts to take the bandage off. We're so used to just sticking a covering over it that we almost forget the cut is there and then one day you realize that the cut was really way bigger than you ever thought and you're debilitated. That is, until the Healer comes. I can feel freedom coming but it's taking a long time. For now, the battle rages on. The longer I fight the more alive I feel and I know that He is my deliverer. There are days when hope is lacking and morale is low, but then there are days when Jesus is so present that I can't remember that I ever was hurt at all. There is always hope, contrary to what we might feel. There are two things that have helped me during this painful time: God is always after your heart and your transformation, and you are not the only one that feels, or has felt, this way. Even Jesus endured suffering, loneliness, shame, and immense sadness. Hebrews 12:2 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Sometimes I don't feel like my faith is being perfected in this pain, but I cannot believe the lie of the enemy that I have taken steps back. Jesus is always propelling me forward, closer to who I was made to be. So, "consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:3

I'm

DONE.

Reading

I wish I liked it more. When I was younger I absolutely HATED it, and now I think it's OK but I just would love to be able to get into a story more. I read lots of books that would probably be labeled as "self-help"[even though I more or less despise that term], but novels are a whole different thing. I just can't seem to really get into a story enough to love the process of getting through it.

Also, my least favorite thing when I tell people that I don't really like to read is the response "well you just haven't read the right books yet." OH MY GOSH SHUT YOUR MOUTH. It is humanly possible to not enjoy reading. And I'm a stinking senior in college, I've read plenty of so-called "great works." I don't say that to take away from the fact that they are great works, because they really are. I appreciate them very much when I'm done with them, but the process of getting through them is semi-torturous to me. I've also read several great novels that were not related to school and have loved the stories but hated the reading. It's just the way it is.

In one of his skits Jim Gaffigan says, "I hate it when you see a great movie and you tell someone that you loved it and then they say 'oh but the book was sooo much better.' And then I say 'yeah but you had to sit there and read it.'" That's exactly how I feel. You have to SIT THERE. FOR HOURS.

Anyway, the point of the story is that I want to be one of those people, like my roommate Anna Mozely, who eats up novels like a monkey eats up bananas. It'd be great and I'd probably be so much smarter, but what can you do?

Oh well, I guess that's all I had to say about that. ONLY 14 days until Christmas!!

Psalm 62

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.

...

One thing God has spoken,

two things have I heard:

that you, O God, are strong,

and that you, O Lord, are loving.